I always notice the "Ipowerblogger" thing or whatever and occasionally one must stop and wonder... why DO I power blogger??

Well I have things to say that I don't really want anyone to see...

so of course this is the perfect place to put it considering the lack of people who read this. Depression is a weird odd confusing and unsettling thing, its something that can rip a man to shreds and destroy them from the inside out but yet... It is not something we should feel ashamed of, it is when we stop feeling that we realize we have become something even worse than depressed... We have either become heartless... Or hollow. Bearing this in mind though one cannot help but curse depression, and or regret, I feel that my leaving school has been a long time coming, but even though I know through my determination Ill end up somewhere.. Even if it is taking my life in front of news cameras while I stand on top of the Eiffel tower, I WILL be noticed.. And remembered if only for the briefest of seconds, even though I KNOW this, I carry shame, I feel as though I should tell my father lol, but what do I really owe HIM? He didn't think of our family when he walked out on me screaming for him at only three, and though I know it would be only too easy to blame him for my abnomality and dysfunctional behavior, I still do, privately and only in the smallest of measurements...

I feel like this will torture me as it has already started, I am 16 and I will not cry about something as stupid so everytime I start to think about the people who I have carried with me since moving to alabama all through my grades, and the many times I thought we were leaving and never seeing some of them again, I blink back my watering eyes I cant cry about something I finalized for myself. Besides weakness is not what I need, you cant breed determination from weakness, and unless I want to die on the newly mopped- by- me floor at some shitty minimum wage job... I need determination.

Have you ever sat for more than three hours thinking about the meaning of life?

did you end up in the end three times more confused than you were before you started?


Have you ever let your façade slip only to realize that all along this person hated the real you?

Have you ever secretly been hurt and agonized over an insult because it is the thing you most hate about yourself?


Have you ever... just sat there all night long staring out because you feel there is really no point in doing anything else?



Have you ever been so depressed that your eyes just sting almost with expectant tears instead of tears that stream?

Do you think you have actually really experienced clinical depression?


Or are you just one of those people?


honestly


and you know when you are....


the ones who almost seem to enjoy pain, thrive on it, pretend to cut themselves and the cut it less than a scratch done for attention and a need to be depressed? Someone who considers it a fun little game and would almost fall over with realization knocking them like a fatal blow if they really knew...


you sicken me


and you know who you are

I will be off now... im not even going to give a flying fuck if you comment... take it or leave it assholes.